Dear Life...

oh dear life of mine....You are really kicking my but right now you now that right? im trying to hard but i keep getting kicked over by you. something keeps happening that is bringing me down. i feel like shit. some people saying cutting help. some people say drinking helps. some people say lying helps. some people say smoking helps. some people say drugs help. some people say running away helps. some people say throwing up helps. im not sure what to think. im so lost and confused. i want answered to questons that i cant even ask. everything hurts. i cried for 45 strate minutes because i wish i had a mom to say i love you when everything hurts. to be there. i now thats stupid but to me its not. or a dad to walk me down the ile one day when i get married. i don't. and i know that also sounds stupid but to me its not. i am looking at my little pictures. remembering how i was a tiny 59 pound when i was 13. i was the size of a 6 year/7 year old when i was 13. i remember the struggle to keep down food. i remember how hungry i was. its like it was still there. i see the bruses. the cuts. the blood. the scrapes that my mom and dad caused not fixed. the lyes i told to the school nurses. i remember pretending i hurt my arm on the jungle gym but i really hurt it at home the night before and it was broke. i rememebr the teres on my cheecks as if they are still there. i remember the shakes. i remember it all. its all has left a prefect imprint on my body, heart, and mind. stuff i want to forget but its implanted inside me. words stuck behind fear and sad. that are begging to come out but all that happens is teres. i want to spill. i know im ready to spill. i now what happened but i cna't describe it. its stuck. pain images sounds feelings in my head. there for me to suffer throgh and not get out. but i want to get them out. hopefully someday soon before i die i will be able to get them out. i dont want to carry this stuff to my grave. :/......ThErApYtEeN.