Dear Week.

To my dear weeek aka like aka daddio: i would love if you could have no crisis, we have no time or room for you.
thanks ginga.

Whenever my Dad pops up again this is the song I think of....Stalker-ish to the max. HAHA.

“Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you”

Soooooooo......... HAHA. Been an interesting couple of days. Im siked for the Capitals game tomorrow even though its preseason. So I was totally upbeat and genuinely so. Now im kinda bummed because of a voicemail I got. It sounds like just a buzzing sound, but I know what it is...........and why he sent it. He nows what I hate about that sounds and I know what it is....he is such a asshole. Gah.......where can anyone grow up to be so sick? What gives? Hasn't he done enough? And I try to damage control but more comes up ya know? I am trying to hard to put everything down and relax but I cant. I want to relax. Im so stressing and I can feel my ticks. I have 3 ticks now. My neck tick. My hand tick. And my eye tick. Im getting exhausted and Im even on all my meds still.....havent stopped just glad my bodys taking it better. makes it much easier. I wish PTSD had pills. :) make the ticks, flashs, dreams, and movies go away. I'm doing good only cut 1 today. And didn't throw up. ANNNNNNNNNNNND. I went for a run in the poring down rain!!! and got drenched!! :) and. I got my car back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's fixed :) YAYA Amelia --> my car!!! :). Well, games tomorrow. Gonna try and see BonSpa:). Maybe tomorrow. and maybe tomorrow will be my day? IDK. im just sick of the calls. sick of being bothered and tormented by my flashs, movies, ticks, dreams, and everything him. I have alot of shit to tell BonSpa:). And I have a stack of emails and voicemails for her to here. Esp. the one from today. IDK. Ive been bottling but doing a good job not to pop i think? idk. well---------hope everyone has a good night..... Heart 241. Hope people enjoy their silence of cell phones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc im jealous. :) :)

UNFRIENDLY CALLER @ 1AM

Soooooooooooooo. When you call me after 1 am..............i am NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT happy. I am flippppppppppping angry that ud have the nevre to call me so late............yeah im a teeenager......but i was freeking asleep. i wish i took my sleep meds.............but really? 1:02 am? you are serously on my hate list right now.......................................ew. AND I AM A GINGER> i am so angry you should see my face........don't ever call me..........It didn't help....

*Phone Rings*

*I pick up*

*Dad: Hi Honey, just making sure your ok*

*Me: @!#* You. I was @!#*ing sleeping jack@$$.*

*Dad: Hope you having swweet dreems*

*Me: go to he((. *

*Dad: Goodnight I love you*

*Me: @!#* you*

*I hang up*

Don't expect me to be this nice next time.............go to freeking sleep. next time im going to drive to your house nad ring your doorbell..........when YOUR sleeping......see how you like that??

*Goodnight again everyboyd else.*

-----Sent From AT&T Wireless Mobile Web from My !mpression--------------------

1 more thinng.

I'm going offline tonight. getting fb down, email down........not phone tho.......having to much fun having trash-line answering. hahah :P with Sir Nicklas............feel free to text me and call me if you name isn't Lance *******, Christine *******, Craig ***********, if you work for Northup Grumen, or you know or are asscated or are being paid by Lance *******..............Have a good evening....... Hanging with the Boy Frannnnnnnnnnnnnn. :)

All-Time Favorite Quote

*Dad calls my phone as bloked again*

*Sir Nicklas picks up*

"Yello you've reached the screw up hotline. If ya wanna be like Lindsay Lohan say cocaine. If you wanna be like Mel Gibson say alcohol and if ya wanna be like Lance ******* say dead meat...."

*Daddio hangs up*

IT WAS GREATTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

Sir Nicklas!!!

Oh Dadddio.........Sooooooooooo nice of you to call me!! :) I just love hearing dead silence!! Just makes my day!! :) Soooooooooo...........

Hey, Daddio
Slow it down
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah.
I'm afraid so what
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away.
Ohhhhh
Once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now
Here we are
So whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up
I am working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breath
Just keep coming around
Hey
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me?

___________________________

Just want you to know that Nick picked up my guitar and played Fall for You by SecondHand Serenade to me and sang..........OMG I love you Sir Nicky you're so fricken cute!!! :) :) :)......................hahaa.

________________________

Lyrics to Fall for You: SecondHand Serenade.

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

Oh, But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible
So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

Jumble.

Justa song I've had on my mind today..............and um. yeah.

oh and two letters to share----

_______________________________________________________

Dearest AAA,

quiet annoying to sit on 495 in the rush hour times because you could help get me out....it was sooooooooooooooo nice to cause traffic jam......im was upset enough that i also hit a semi becuase my freeking tire blew......NOT POPPED. but blew. like the half the black stuff came off....and you say "45 minutes" turns into 3 hours.......oh so happy. then you screw up my bumper and have to take my car to the shop.............sooooooooooooooooooo nice of you. im glad now i wont have a car tomorrow. soooooooooooooo happy about that. and soooooooooooooooooooo nice of Mr. Nick to keep me company for 3 hours on the beltway. We sang, we danced, we play i spy, we played go-fish, we played numrous games out of pure boredom. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. wow. that was eventful but im glad i spent it with Sir Nicklas..........and thanks to his Mommy for coming to get us (and bringing ice cream too that was event peanut free :))!!! :) Sinserly----a customer............******

_______________________________________________________

Dearest Daddio,

by now i am verrrrrrrrrrrrry annoyed. dont mess with me. im sick of it. i can keep playing for stupid immatre games. keep it up. your old im young. you may have gov't power but not for long. leave BonSpa:) alone if you know whats good. im a ginger...............meaning im a red-head. and meaning i have a firey TEMPER............so DON"T FREEKING mess with me Mister. im not going to let you screw with me, my family and specially not BonSpa and her family. You've crossed the line bucko.......I might just start playing back. but something that is more age apporiate than freeking prank callsssssssssssssssss! That's something a 12 year old would do on a friday not sleep over not a 55+ year old dude. LOZERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I've got some smart ass tricks up my sleeve so.................just keep doing what your doing buddy ol pal but do it to me..........not my friends. not my co-workers. not my familys. not BonSpa...............................TO ME. take your woe me shit out on ME. I deserve it.........but no matter how much more you screw with me............im not to give up........until you ya know kill me that is..........people will know its you dad. they aren't stupid. sooooooooooooo. lets play this game you and me. you know ive tried cutting, throwing up, burning, starving, but nothinnnnnnnnnng works............so im just going to give up those coping skills and get ready to bring it..............Just sayingggggggggg. Hope your restest........and dont call BonSpa or whatever. leave her phone and business alonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne. (*Watch out: ANGRY ANGRY PISSED OFF, AGITATED, FURIOUS, FIREY RED HEAD ON THE PROWL!!!!*) Just a fare warning.................ThErApYtEeN.

______________________________________________________

ANd now to the SONG::

_________

(We'll be singing, when we're winning, we'll be singing)

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down

(Pissing the night away, pissing the night away)
He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink
He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times
(Oh Danny Boy, Danny Boy, Danny Boy)

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down

(Pissing the night away, pissing the night away)
He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink
He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times
(Don't cry for me, next door neighbour)

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
but I get up again
You nay ever gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)
But I get up again (pissing the night away)
You nay ever gonna keep me down (ooh)

...-...-...-...

i had a lovely present lefted on my doorstep tonight....it was so nice of the person to leave it there. oh so thoughtful!! and oh so thoughtful of the phone calls. its so nice to talk to a stranger. and try to seem saine when i say i didn't call them. and to not explain to much. im trying to figure out who these people are that i get connect to but none of them say there name?? could it be family members? like my uncle craig? idk. im getting frustrated. another thing i have to deal with. ive got a plan. but i dont want to do it. but i do. i want to never have to deal with any of this ever again. its too much. im safe. im doing fine. not good at all. but not dead yet?? im trying to stay on the hope i have left. i skyped with jax..... that didn't help. nothing helping. i jsut dont belong here anymore. good night world. maybe tomorrow will be better..............i can still hope right? i got a little left. not much. but just enough to make it til tomorrow.

Poem #3

Cry lie and silently die

because its now too much

and im tired & worn out

solid turned liquid

liquid turned gas

get me outta here fast!

im done playing your games

running in circles through your psychotic maze

trying to break me~~well im already broke

no trying to save me because nobody cares

ive sheed enough teres for the great blue

i don't want it for me and i don't want it for you.

so guess what~~im through.

so helpful that ur gone now when i need you most. taking you to the airport saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do. i did it. not for me but for you. im fine, yes. bc im temporaryily stopping the pain with something else. but your gone. im here in my own hell for 4 days before i see your face again.

Poem #2

The hurt I feel~~raw and painful

only one thing to do to feel fine

the one thing to soothe~~alone and numb

can't find the right knife

nothing takes or lessens my pain

a big, deep gash doesn't last

flowing out~~big thick red drops

racing down my arm~~in a flash

until i clot~~& the bleeding stops

thats my only release

temporary~~ill need to cut again

take my mind away to think

im going to die of this pain

before you can stop and blink

nothing helps~~not even downing the bar-time drink

welcome to my world

watch out~~painful dark and a blur to outsiders

............

Damn right there was another tere and another nightmare. never ending pain.....thats not for anybodys gain. no one understands. you think you might. but you dont. you never can see the pain. i have nothing left. everythings gone and im just causing more pain. its too much of a struggle. and i dont want to spend everyday of my life like this. its hell. the teres wont stop flowing. the pain wont stop hurting. the images wont go away. nothing is taking it away. so obvously nothing will work. theres only 1 way out and thats sounding better and better.

'im holding onto this patience wearing thin i can't force these eyes to see the end because nothing will work to fight these demons.'

Loveless Wrists- BaySide

Where will I be
When there's pain as far as eyes can see
stand in line for days and nights, making up lost time
this is how it feels

So now I cut these loveless wrists
My head sure hurts today I'll take another twenty pills and try to make my troubles go away

So now I cut these loveless wrists
My head sure hurts today I'll take another twenty pills and try to make my troubles go away
Away

I once felt strong
It wouldn't last for long
to wrap my hands around my neck
Kill myself again
and Cut my arms with the biggest knife that I can stand

Why waste time
Lifting my head
Keep it down
And save face instead
so why waste time
Lifting my head
Keep it down
Save face instead

I once felt strong
It wouldn't last for long
to wrap my hands around my neck
Kill myself again
Cut my arms with the biggest knife that I can stand

stand in line for days and nights, making up for lost time
And this is how it feels

It's more than I can stand

Another Nite....

now its night time one again. never goes away........ever. i feel the teres burn down my checks. just as rawe as 6 years ago. can't beleve it was only that short ago that was that it happened last. i feel like yesterday. Waking up screeming isn't one of my hobies but it has totally been unfortantely over the last 4 days. its at night that i feel low. it takes all i have to not take that whole bottle and hope i never wake up again. its hard. and getting harder. why is this so hard? i see others who can and are going fine. they are happy and carfree. im really jealous. why is everytime i see something sharp i start to tere? bc i know that would solve the pain. it will at least make it come out. and sruface and not stay inside. bc i cant control how much comes out. it just comes. everytime i see my meds.......i think i could just take the bottle nad never wake up again? be gone permently and never have to worry about causing other people pain? never bothering them so they have to get tapped or stalked or prank called? it would solve everything. well, here to another night, another nightmare. another screem. another tere. goodnight. ThErApYtEeN.

Dear Life...

oh dear life of mine....You are really kicking my but right now you now that right? im trying to hard but i keep getting kicked over by you. something keeps happening that is bringing me down. i feel like shit. some people saying cutting help. some people say drinking helps. some people say lying helps. some people say smoking helps. some people say drugs help. some people say running away helps. some people say throwing up helps. im not sure what to think. im so lost and confused. i want answered to questons that i cant even ask. everything hurts. i cried for 45 strate minutes because i wish i had a mom to say i love you when everything hurts. to be there. i now thats stupid but to me its not. or a dad to walk me down the ile one day when i get married. i don't. and i know that also sounds stupid but to me its not. i am looking at my little pictures. remembering how i was a tiny 59 pound when i was 13. i was the size of a 6 year/7 year old when i was 13. i remember the struggle to keep down food. i remember how hungry i was. its like it was still there. i see the bruses. the cuts. the blood. the scrapes that my mom and dad caused not fixed. the lyes i told to the school nurses. i remember pretending i hurt my arm on the jungle gym but i really hurt it at home the night before and it was broke. i rememebr the teres on my cheecks as if they are still there. i remember the shakes. i remember it all. its all has left a prefect imprint on my body, heart, and mind. stuff i want to forget but its implanted inside me. words stuck behind fear and sad. that are begging to come out but all that happens is teres. i want to spill. i know im ready to spill. i now what happened but i cna't describe it. its stuck. pain images sounds feelings in my head. there for me to suffer throgh and not get out. but i want to get them out. hopefully someday soon before i die i will be able to get them out. i dont want to carry this stuff to my grave. :/......ThErApYtEeN.

'Notta Bad Day

I had a better day today. I went to class and actually was some what able to pay attenton. I found out I got 100% on the test. So that made me happy. I got a package from Jax. That made me happy. My book came in the mail. That made me happy. BUT. I found out the A&U&Guma are going out of town. On Wednesday. They have to go out to Vegas. To deal with some legal stuff with the house. :/ All alone again. They will be back on Sunday. Joy. I'll be fine. It's only a couple days, and I pretty much come home from schools and sleep. Except when I have work. I am working on Thursday from 1-9pm. Can't work on Wednesday bc I have to take them to Dulles. And I work on Friday from 7:30 am-3pm. I think I'm doing okay, but I am so drugged I don't do much besides HW and sleep and class. I have a pretty bad sunburn right now. :X. Ewww. Well........the "Ashley Victoria" fb is still there. It's not me but I think I now who it is......so dont give any infomation to it..... hope everyone has a good evening. I have a song I want to post but I will do that later. TOOdLEES. ThErApYtEeN.

Upage.

So, I had a upage of my meds. AGAIN. I am now taking 250mg of Seroquel instead of 200mg. Wonder if I'll slurr anymore than I am now? I hate Seroquel so much. It's stupid...but whatever. I am taking these meds bc they think it's important for me to be drugged. Just a quick note to say 'Ashley Victoria' isn't me................ Have my guesses about who it is but don't answer questions etc from ' ashley victoria '. kk thanks.

I am Me.

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

Virginia Satir

Poem.

Strong enough to say goodbye.

Ultimate enough to succeed.

Intelligent enough to know this is right.

Courageous enough to say I’m through.

Incredible enough to not think twice.

Daring enough to end it all.

Eager enough to start a new life.

you'll rescue me right?
in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right?
then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water
but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

Silence is Broken.

Never again you say the words
And let the sunshine in again
You can close your eyes
And know it's safe inside to sing you lullaby

Now I lay me down, you broke the chains
And you won't be silent anymore
Oh, no, now you're gonna shout about it
No, no more, yeah, yeah, this is the end

The silence is broken now
It's over now, the words have been spoken
And with every word you say, you blow away
The tears of another time

Face to face anyone can see you're not
The child you were before

Now, I lay you down, you take your place
No one can take away your heart
Oh, no, there can be no doubt about it
No, no more, yeah, yeah, this is the end

The silence is broken now
It's over now, the truth has been spoken
And with every word you say
You blow away, yeah

Never again you say the words
And let the sunshine in again
You can change the world
But no one can take away your heart

The silence is broken now
It's over now, the words have been spoken
And with every word you say, you blow away
The tears of another time

The silence is broken now
It's over now, the truth has been spoken
And with every word you say, you blow away
The scene of another crime

Why.

You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't
Worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

Checkin' but Not The Hockey Kind. :/

**This Blog Entry is edited with love by Emu because of Ashley's "condition". (I'm such a FABULOUS COUSIN.)**

I'm so frustrated. Every single thing is triggering me. I'm checking out. I saw BonSpa:) and spent majority of the session checked out and I don't remember basically anything from when I was in there. And all afternoon has been a blur....I'm checking out and having bad flashs. I am getting triggered, and I feel crazy when I say this, but I am "hearing" things. I'm not sure about anything, but I am totally freaked out. I'm scared, and I am stuck. I don't like checking out. My life is going by, and I am missing it. I am on my medications, and that zonks me out. I am pretty much useless on them. I am just about to the point where I want to stay drugged out all the time. So with my medication issues and my checking out... my Uncle and Emu agreed that it would not be smart for me to go to LA for Court's services. I'm really upset about that, but my uncle said maybe in a few months I can fly out there and visit her sister and see Court's grave. Her sister went to the "Academy" too, so I am very friendly with her as well. I'm really having a hard time. I don't know what is wrong. My world has hit the pits. I'm struggling so bad. I'm not happy anymore. I'm not enjoying anything, and this is so not like me. I am checking out and people think i don't trust them....that is not the case at all.......I don't know why I do it and I am sorry. I am at this point just causing more harm than good. I got another email, and that freaked me out. :/ Well, hope everybody has a good night...I'm staying in town so........maybe we would chill tomorrow or sat? Just know it isn't you, and Im sorry for being so pain, wrong, and causing problems I'm sorry. Goodnight! ThErApYtEeN.

Breakaway

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

bvlogs

hi guys checked out my youTube. i jsut I posted to 2 Vlogs. (video blog entis on YouTube) one waw after my surgyery. nad the other was jsut not showing yuo me on my meds! :-. yeay! hope eveyrbody has a good nifght and ill take to yuo guys later. night/

So.

I am going to LA on Thusday for Court's services. Staying until Sat morning after her buriual.

Dear CoCo Puff-

So sad. I miss you Courtney. I will always remember our Pro-Praying Mantus dance and our rollarblading and ALL our admazing adventures. You were my BFF at NLA. For real i have thosands of stories about you. coudn't pick just one. Im sad you did this girly.You ever loved by so many. You had so much going . You were so smart and were amazing. Its sad but I was glad I talked to you on Sat night. just sad i ididn't notice anything. You sis shared your "letter" with me. Im sorry hun. I am sorry and people did care about you. I cared about you and did every other single person at NLA. im glad i saw you on Sat over skype. You were so pretty. I love you CoCo Puff and I always will. I hope your resitn gin peace sweet girl. LOVE YOU. Love. Double A

Everybody Hurts.

So true So true!! :)

__________________________

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go, (hold on)
when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

Post Deleted.

POST DELETED

Today Just Got A Whole Lot Worse.

I just got a phone call. one of my BFF just commited suicide.........I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for her dad and her family. I am sad shes gone. She was to good of a person. Damn....why can't God keep ppl safe? Why her????? She was too good of a person. I don't know what to say. Can you push me anymore god?

Update on My Life.

Sorry......I owe you a explanation for all the songs I posted. These songs all are very expressive of how I feel in a nutshell right now. The later 4 being postive and the first one (Welcome to My Life) being negtive. Im struggling yes but hopefully its temporary. Im drained and I dont think I can take anymore. Im checking almost all time now. Im in so much pain and I cant even get it out. Its stuck inside of me. I am having nightmares flashes and movies. Don't know what to do. All tools have falled me. Running. Music. Journaling. Talking (huh what a joke right now). Counting to 10. Screaming into a pillow. Knitting. (ya I knit and I corquet too). I have so many more tools but none of them are working. how useless right? Well, my Uncle and I got in a major fight. He said if I didn't stay present and stop checking out....id have to go to the hosptal. I don't want that and I got angry bc I can't help it. I feel like shit enough. And I am going to be honest in my blog. I haven't been taking care of myself. I went back to throwing up. i threw up my dinner. My Uncle cut back on the EnSure, but whatever. I still feel gross. I can't even functon anymore. Its sad. I was doing way better than this. I feel like dead. I can't keep doing this. Its to much. I got another email like 5 minutes ago. Self explanatory. Never thought it could get worse than the last one............well. He broke that record. Its pretty bad. I dont know where he gets this engery.

I am running severly on empty and I am about to just stop. I cant keep up. Its just gotten to be to much. Im not working this week anymore. I'm starting next Monday 9/20. My Aunt thinks I struggling too much to functon. OH JOY. Nick called me and I said I couldn't talk to him. I so badly want to have a boyfriend but I just can't. It's been what 24 hours? Im pathetic..............ugh.

Take a Bow.

Oh, how about a round of applause?
Yeah, standing ovation? Ooh, oh yeah
Yeah y-yeah yeah

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You?re so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

Don?t tell me you?re sorry 'cause you?re not
And baby when I know you?re only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
But now it?s time to go, curtain?s finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it?s over now
(But it?s over now)
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talking? 'bout, ?Girl, I love you," "You?re the one"
This just looks like a rerun
Please, what else is on?

Don?t tell me you?re sorry 'cause you?re not
And baby when I know you?re only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
But now it?s time to go, curtain?s finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it?s over now
(But it?s over now)
Go on and take a bow

Oh, and the award for the best liar goes to you
(Goes to you)
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out

How about a round of applause?
A standing ovation?

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
Now it?s time to go, curtain?s finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it?s over now
(But it?s over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now

It's My Life.

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks


It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down


It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

Radio's Song (Eyes of the Heart)

Close your eyes
The physical can be so blind
In my eyes
The innocent can be so wise
It's not about black or white
This is wrong or right
Can you take a stranger
And treat him like your brother

Love don't start with the eyes
Starts with the heart
Look deep down inside
In all that you have a chance
To make a choice, to make a change
So make the choice to look with the eyes of your heart

Close your eyes
The light of love will lead the way
In the eyes of a child
We're all the same
If we're all God's children
The logic is so simple
The one you call stranger is really your brother

Love don't start with the eyes
Starts with the heart
Look deep down inside
In all that you have a chance
To make a choice, to make a change
So make the choice to look with the eyes of your heart

No I don't mean to preach
Some may say that it's unrealistic
Cause none of us is perfect
But the way that I say it
What do you just try to see with different eyes
Could you see that what is done to you is done to me?
We want humanity yeah

Oh, love don't start with the eyes
Starts with the heart
Look deep down inside
In all that you have a chance
To make a choice, to make a change
So make the choice to look with the eyes of...

Love don't start with the eyes
Starts with the heart
Look deep down inside
You have the chance
To make a choice, to make a change
So take the chance
To make a choice, to make a change
So make the choice to look with the eyes of your heart

Hero

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face your world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

~Welcome to My Life~

"Welcome To My Life"

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

NOTE to SELF for FUTURE.

So...................never EVER tell ur Uncle that u have a boyfriend when he is drinking something. esp. limeade. He will most likely choke on it and get very upset. His first words will be WHAT?!?!. All in all after a 34 minute conversation about being responsible and "talking" to me. He is happy for me!!!!!!! Ew on the talking we had but whatever. He knows me so he skipped most of his prep talk. :) YAY. It's now offical even with the PU's (parental units)...............Nick and I are boyfriend and girlfriend :)))))))))))))))) He asked every question known to (wo)man. Grrr...but I know its bc he cares and Im glad he cares...........at least he is "giving" me permission!! :) yay. Toodles. and G'Nite. ThErApYtEeN.

ps. Good luck to those trying out for the NOVA ice hockey team tonight from 11-12. I'm not going to watch....Im too tired. Good luck!!! :)

I got sung to!

So, tonight I had a boy sing this song to me at dinner. oh boy. HAHA. A BOY! It was corny but amazing! :) His name is Nick. And he's amazingggggg. I've been on a couple dates with him. Wellllllllllllllllllll, he asked me to be his girlfriend. And if you know me this is kind of awkward. I've never had a boyfriend, but hey..............im nervously excited. So......I now have a offical boyfriend!! :) :) :)YAY> haha. :) YAY. I don't know what to say but today has gone really good! :) I went for a run, slow and steady but it went well. And now I have a bf. Offical! And it's probably gonna go uphill front here. I'm not going to let anything else ruin me. I got the rains now! :) I hope everyone else had a great day!! :) For those of you that I saw today I had fun, and for those of you who live ya know (Cali, Florida, Oregon, Utah, Connecticut, NYC, Dallas, St. Louis, London..........and on and on.....I miss you and we HAVE to skype! :) Thanks everybody for being there for me, and just being awesome people. I'm glad I know such great amazing people. Goodnite.

Heart 241. ThErApYtEeN.

_________________________________

i've got sunshine

On a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside,
I've got the month of May.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

I've got so much honey
The bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter songThan the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Ooooh, Hoooo.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

I don't need no money,
Fortune or fame.
I've got all the riches, baby,
One man can claim.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Talkin' bout my girl.
I've got sushine on cloudy day
With my girl.
I've even got the month of MayWith my girl.

-My Girl Temptations (1964)

--------------------------------------------

(Thank you lyrics.com for the My Girl Lyrics)

The Good Ol' Me is Back.

*********************************************************

I'm done making this blog about my father and making it a swtichboard of my anger. This blog was not created for that. { *Thanks BonSpa:)* } So today in class my teacher asked a queston. "Are you okay?" Of course I answered yes. Nowing full hearted that wasn't true. In the hours that have passed sense my 11 am class......I've realised that it doesn't have to be true. I am okay. I will be okay. I don't have to be okay every second of everyday but I do have to live my life. Which i haven't. I've spent almost every waking minute trapped in my own hell that im taking part in. In feeding into my fathers game and stupedness, im hurting myself and those i love and care about. I contrubiting to the pain. Im going to work with BonSpa:) to put my flashs and movies away. BC i am in college and i only get it once. I need to enjoy it. Not spend everyday worrying and scared. This is my life. Not his. He has his own life. I am going to talk to my A&U tomorrow at dinner. We are going to invite our lawyer over to. This is going to be settled. Its exhasting for everyone involved. Last nite I made a big mistake something I regret a lot. Im not going to be specfic b/c im embaressed. BUT I'm not going to let myself go down that road every again. I have more self control than that and by doing that im letting my demons win. No one has control but me. I got the rains now. I hope everyone enjoys their day, and thanks for the phone calls this weekend and the support this weekend guys. Much Apprecated! :) ThErApYtEeN.

**********************************************************

Blahhh

well................i just cried. really hard. really really hard. :/ I just wish I had a mom and dad that were better ya know? I am so glad tho that i have such a wonderful A&U, but its complicated. I just wish I had someone to call Mom, and who would give me hugs and say everythings gonna be alright not one that scares me and is crazy. and a dad that could say yes or no to a boy i want to go on a date with. right now i want a hug, and im too afriad to admit it. im always freeked about being touched but right now i just want a hug. if ur reading this dad witch im sure your doing. you should be asamed that ur my dad. i would never ever ever ever ever want a hug from you. your the one that showed me what a hug shouldnt be. well. guess what. i want a real hug from someone who cares and your not the person and ull never be. idk what else you want from me. havent you ruined enough? really? serously? you have. so just leave me alone and let me live my life. bc thatd be great. thanks. and ummmmmm dad....the next time you try to take a picture of me........take it from my right side not my left...im more photogenic on my right! thanks! :p

9/11.

9/11. Today is a day we'll never forget. September 11, 2001. 9 years ago. Many brave couragous and strong men and women were wounded and died that day. Many people including firefighters and police officers fought and saved many lives that day but ultimetely lost there own. My cousin, Michael F. Lynch, died in this tragedy. That day he was on Engine 40/Ladder 35. (he was engine 62, ladder 32) He was in the south tower before it fell. In march 2002, they found his remens with his helmet and coat. his body was mingled with a womans remains. it was thought he was carrying the women out when the tower collapsed. there is video evidence of him carrying ppl out of the lobby. he was a true hero. he was engaged and was going to be married in november. and steph's (his fiance was brideal shower was going to be on saturday, 9/15 (if my aunt remembers correctly.) its tragic, but these lost live must live on in our hearts forever. god bless everyone. here is a list of ppl that i know that lost their lives some told by others and i do not know them but i know there names............

______________________________________________________________

Michael F. J. Lynch firefighter on Engine 40/ladder 35......died in the collapse of south tower (my cousin)

David Charlebois first officer on American Airlines flight #77 that was hijacked and crashed into the Pentagon. (Classmate of BonSpa:) )

Donald Foreman police officer NYPD (friend of GAPA)

George Cain firefighter Ladder 7 (friend my Great Uncle Vincient)

Patrick O'Keefe rescue unit 1 (friend of Aunt Mo)

Daniel Suhr Engine 216 (brother of cousin Jack's wife)

Lt. Daniel O'Callaghan Ladder 4 (dad of cousin Aimee)

Peter Carroll firefighter NYFD (my dad's cousin)

Mark Bingham died on United Flight 93 in field in Pennslyvania (Frat brother of Uncle Ross)

-_________________________________________________________-

Obviously, there were more lives lost then mentioned. Toady i keep in mind all of the victims and families and even present firefighers and police officers........god bless you all and thank you for all you do!

Never Forget 9/11/01.

*****(there were 2 Michael Lynchs lost on 9/11...one of Ladder 4 and my cousin of Engine 40)*********

heres the link to the website about my cousin....http://www.mlynch.org/ml/about.htm