The Ah-Ha moment.

So.............driving to a friends house this evening............I had sort of a "ah-ha" moment. I realized why "my voice" is important. Sort of. So, like i mentoned knifepoint. my words were taken. ripped. stolen. lost. i want them back. and the only way to get my life back is to speak it. im so terrified and every time i want to "speak" i "go away". It's not fun. Im like a million miles away. so anyways. i dont know how im going to do it but i just realise why i make such a big deal about saying it. its not for anybody but me. i dont know how im going to do it but i just know its important. its gonna be hard. i know that. im so sick of being scared but i dont know how to break the wall.

do i climb over it --how?

do i smash it--how?

do i take it apart--what tools do i need?

**************************************************

I don't know how or when. I mean i want sooner rather than later. i don't know if i want to write it and give it, write it and read it, talk to someone, record it, god i have no idea. it like on the tip of my tongue. sorta.

Do i want to talk to BonSpa:), Jax, Aunt and Uncle, who??? I mean--Aunt and Uncle too awkward. Jax--kinda awkward. BonSpa:)--a little awkward. IDK. I trust these 4 people the most in my life.

Heres a quote...........

"SELF-TRUST IS THE FIRST SECRET OF SUCCESS" - (RALPH WALDO EMERSON)

And with this quote......................

I realise i have to make the decision of who to tell first. who do i want to feel the raw emotions with me. be there when i unfoutunately cry. be there when im scared. be there when i open the box of unknown feelings that have been tucked away for 15+ years..........god i have no idea. but its one of the following narrowed down: Uncle, Jax, or BonSpa:). I would feel bad telling Jax about it. Guilty. Uncle would probably freak out and I don't know I guess that leaves BonSpa:). *sorry im just writing and not editing so this is raw* i trust her i trust myself that she'd be the best person to talk to. obvosuly. she the one with the degree and shes the one that was there today. so much. shes the one thats been there day after day. hour after hour. week after week and she hasn't left. ive tried to push her away. didn't work obviously.

***********************************************************************

Here's another quote:

You can as easily love without trusting as you can hug without embracing. ~Robert Brault

I like this one obvosuly........... because i trusted BonSpa;) yet again and asked for a hug. Which is new to me. Uncomfortable. and a New territory im starting to explore. oddly. Well, im about to go have some fun with friends. Hahah.......... @ Midnight. LOL. :) Goodnight. And I hope people have had a good day. Today was a better day than yesterday that for sure. :) I know its not gonna be a steady journey from here on out, but I just pray that I can make it without too much turbulance in other peoples lives. And that I make it with my heart full of love and surrounded by the people i love and care about and with their hearts full of love too. :)

Goodnight.....................ThErApYtEeN.

**************************************************************

Heres another poem---i write so fricken many i swear sorry.

Alone and Cold, can't break your hold

around my voice-silent and cold

I want it the pain out

those stains, the dirty mark

left late after dark

you branded me

something no one can ever see.

images stuck behind my eyes

leaving shakes, shivers, and cries.

No one can answer but you

I haven't got a clue

What I could've done to hold this secret

and guess what, Im not the one to keep it.

Sure you stole the one single item--irreplacable

my voice may have been lost, but its back

and ready for your stupid, desperate attacks.

CrossRoads........GULP.

So-Life is in the fast lane literally. :( {Meaning my anxiety has been really bad, so I gave up and am I am going to start taking my Ativan again.} So, I had my session today. Im glad BonSpa:) isn't mad at me. Phew. Thats relief. And Im glad shes supportive of my decision. Ive decided I wont stop. I made a list of Pros and Cons. THERE WERE WAY TOO MANY CONS, SO I OFFICIALLY DECIDED IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO STOP THERAPY. I don't want to effect more people. So, my old EMDR therapist called me today to see if anything had changed since Friday because my Uncle had called her. Urgh. I wonder how many more people he told? For realzzzzzzzzzzz. :) Oh well, I just know he (*MY UNCLE*) cares. So, he had asked me this question for years. (Well, for a really really long time........dont know when he started asking it but its been along time). So, I asked BonSpa:) to answer it, She did. I've never had someone say that to me. I know she just rephrased what has been said in emails, etc. It was scary to know that someone could be so accurate. But I felt myself check out. Those words I can't hear. My body like freaks out when I hear them. And I just checked out. I wish i could have listened more so i could remember what she said. I hate when I do that but i am greatful sometimes. I could never say these words in a billion years. There like this brick wall that keeps me from saying, writing, etc. them. And its frustrating. And it felt good to hear something along the lines of

**I believe you times 10,000 %-BonSpa:)**

Thats the first time anybodys ever said that. :) :) :) and was defiantely one of the best things ive ever heard; ever. in my whole 19 years, 3 months, and 10 days of life!

***********************************************

I want to speak. I am ready to speak. I am ready to break. I am ready to crack. But like the brick wall puts itself up. URGH and its so frustrating. People (BonSpa:) *cough* *cough* ..........keep telling me dont force yourself. I know I am ready I can feel it. I am ready for once. BUt I just cant get it out. I can't say it and I know thats what I need to get through this. I need my voice. Its important idk why but i can just feel it. Hopefully that makes sense?

***********************************************

And I am about to hit the 20 lb mark on weight loss. Some people have noticed but others not so much. I don't always wear clothes that you can tell. I normally dress nice. but today i just felt like blah. haha. pirate pants, and a race t-shirt. that is now like 50 sizes too big :). and flipiflops. :) lazy day.

***********************************************

Guess what? Im done with HW ((((((((((((((((((FOR NOW, BUT THERES DEFINATELY MORE :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) so i am going to go for a

RUN

YAYA! HAHA well, Ill update more later. Toodles and Have a good night.

***********

Im trying to get back to a happy place. Where i was on friday and thursday of last weeek. So, dont talk to me about bad stuff okay? I don't want or need negetivety right now............so lets me smiley and happy okay?

YYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Goodnight

ThErApYtEeN.

**OH and I have to add this so fitting :) **

Happiness is an unexpected hug. ~Author Unknown.

**Thank the BonSpa:) 's facebook for this one :) **

Dear Bad Abusive Dads.

Dear Bad Abusive Dads,

If you think that you can have a kid and use that kid down to the pulp, you are wrongly mistaken. You may have gotten away with it for years..........hiding your dirty secret. Well, correction, having your daughters keep you dirty secret, you are also sadly mistaken. Sure you went through the motions and left miles and miles of invisible damage and destruction. For me, Ive spent my whole life dealing with the pain and fear. Every second of everyday, i walk around and i carry this heavy burden. This dirty secret that wasn't mine. I was forced at knifepoint to carry it. And for exactly 15 years, 5 months, and 30 days i have carried it. It's done and your done. Im not carrying it anymore. I am sick of feeling dirty, used, and guilty for something i didn't want and didn't deserve to happen. I tryed to say no, but you got your way as always. You took somehting I can never have back, and for that you need to pay. All abusive dads should be locked up, but you I think more so. You have harrased me one step too far. I am a big women now. so DON"T mess with me! And Ive got one thing to say--your going to jail, DAD. And all those other vulgar, nasty men out there too! Go to hell! I hate all of you. And, people know, and one day you;ll face the wrath! And you be sorry!!!!! So, for my dad.............im unleashing my past, and i am gonna make sure he pays!!!!!!!! You all need to pay you sick sick dads. Ewwwww. I hop you feel guilty and regret so youll think twice before YOU EVER EVER EVER do something like that again. Thanks.

****************************************************************

Nothing like getting my anger out eh? haha. :) felt like sharing.........had a okay day. heard from BonSpa:) she just had her phone off she wasn't mad or angry shes confused. but i understanding that i guess. im confused too. well, i have a appointment tomorrow. :) and nina's gonna be with me! :) urgh. so i have a decision to make.

Choices:

A. Continue Therapy Regularly

B. Stop Therapy for the Temporary and wait til after jail

C. Stop Therapy for ever.

CHOICES.CHOICES.CHOICES.....haha and only 16 hours left to make it............oh boy.............

AND I OFFICIALLY HAVE 100 PROFILE VIEWS. :) Thanks Guys. You know you can comment on the actually posts and not just call me, text me, email me...haha. :)

Goodnight ThErApYtEeN.

It's Marathon Time!!!

So, it's almost that time of year--------yet again!! Last year I ran the Marine Corps Marathon. It was hard but put I love running and i just relished in the feeling of defeat...I finished something after months of anticipation. Hard work, longs hours of school, work, gym..... And having a Marine place a medal around your neck is also one of the greatest feelings, too. Im running it again this year. Im so excited. :) :) I love running and I am printing shirts that say Team Ginger! I have about 4 people Im running with---all of who are over 25 I might want to add. So imma little young :) But im still excited!! :). It's on Halloweeen!!! And I just got my post card reminding me in mail!! So, I hope to see you out on the street of DC on Sunday October 31, 2010....cheering on all the runners and me and my team!! :) YAYA! THis is something I am looking forward too big big big time!

Urgh. Decisions.

So- Im regrounded! Thanks Uncle!!! :) I mean I understand why he's doing it but its still really frustrating. he said and i quote

"you need to understand the effect quiting therapy has on everybody and not just you............so until then you are grounded and ill give you a hint, your grounded until you start seeing ****** again".

i am really frustrating urgh. urgh. urgh. i dont know what to do.....my hands are tied. i feel responsle for causing BonSpa:) all of her stress and all of her problems and i know her problems are because of me. because im her cliant and im seeing her in therapy. urgh. if i stop seeing her until court then itll stop i hope. i feel bad. bc in real life its not fair to here. its a chan reaction. her husband misses work to sit outside+anxos about walking me to my car+law stuff+following+security +emails +phone calls+texts+computer stuff. nothings safe urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i feel so bad. i want to help her bc i keep causing problems for her. urgh and i want to take care of the roots but i cant. i wanted to talk to BonSpa:) on tuesday and say it. just get it out no matter how uncomforatble it gets. no matter how scared, sad, angry, whatever i get. just get it out but i cant now. urgh. urgh. urgh. and im grounded and thats the worst part. i HATE being grounded. urgh. urgh. and its until i start seeing her again. my last session is on tuesday. and she hasn't returned my email or my text i sent her. i understand its the weekend. i stopped all my meds by myself. i was tired of them. so i fell my anxity building. urgh. urgh. blah. i don't know what to do. and since she hasn't responded to my texts i feel even more guilty. bc i don't know ifs shes mad at me or what? I talked to NINA and it helped (THANKS NINA!!!!!) i miss you..............and well thats all for tonight...imma go skype Jax.... i miss her desperately. goodnght. ThErApYtEeN...and if you have any suggestons regarding my predickament. LET ME KNOW> Heart 241.

Think About It--What would be the hardest thing for you to give up?

***********************************************************************

So with all that has been going on recently, my Uncle talk to me about the importance of not giving up emotionally. Then he tried to question me to really think about what would be the hardest thing to give up in my life. After our talk, i felt bad about stopping sessions. Because not only does that negatively affect me, my family, my potential employers, my academics, my social life, etc. But stopping does affect positively affect only some of them: me, my therapist, legal sources. And I am not taking care of myself. My Uncle mentioned that I've been in therpay for so long that I can't stop now. I am so close to break ing my barrier to my past. And he mentioned that I can't bring justice to my Dad with out dealing with it first in therapy. That i will never be able to handle the "emotional turbulance" caused by my Dad's attorney.

************************************************************************

What would be the hardest thing to give up?

Sooooooooooooo. Trivial questions such as this one have appeared many times in my life. Normally, my responses would be something material that I was absorbed in during that period in my life. Never a permanent serious thought-through answer. I have thought about this today. The hardest thing for me to give on as a permanent decision, would be to give on myself as a human being--giving up on life... I mean seriously think about it...yes people do get angry and tend to lean towards a irrational response and say "F*** my life." Do you really follow through with that irrational and illogical reaction? No, you're still on earth working having peer relationships and intimate relations with you partner and doing things for other people. If you did give up yourself, there would be nothing left to do in this world. You wouldn't do anything. You'd be a thoughtless emotionless and lifeless body taking up space on your block in your city in your state in your country on your continent on Earth and in this universe. This is my reaction to this question. At a younger age, my answer would reference my game boy, my PSP, my i-pod, my cell phone, my car, or even my dog. WRONG! I want other people to answer this question.....WHAT WOULD BE THE HARDEST THING FOR YOU TO GIVE UP IN YOUR LIFE?

Winnnnnnnnnnnn.

So------------------we won. :) another good thing........................wonder what the next bad thing to happen is??????????? ****, *****, ****** and I are on our way back to Fredericksburg to our lake house. We are gonna stay there, but we are leaving Richmond now. My Aunt and Uncle are at our lake house so they are waiting up for us. Im glad I have 3 friends coming with me. :) I just can't wait to go on the boat tomorrow. :) and i have to finish my hw. so---------the wierdest strangest thing happened during the game. One of the guys on the other team who was at least 6'6'' checked me into the glass. (it was a clean hit though.) he held me a little longer than he was supposted to so i cross-checked him. i didn't get called but i sliyly cross checked him a couple times. then, i got really aggressive -----------not like me AT FRICK"N ALL! and I tripped him. I got called for tripping. (2 min penalty in the box :( ****) I feel like I was kinda taking my anger about hte curent situations out on him. it felt to good becuase i never ever take my anger out like that but whatever. i had a flashback while i was in the box and when i came out it was back to 5-5. and I came out got the puck from L*** (not a off-sides pass) and scored. :) my only goal of the game (no assists :(****) but we ended up winning 2-4. (we had 4 obvosly)..............:)..........but i have to cut htis short----------------L*** just got out of the shower so we are going to get on the road.............. :)------------so we have about an hour and a half drive to fredericksburg. :) jammin the whoooooooooooooole way :) ----------------------------------thank god for friends! they make my sad times better. :) Well toodles to alllllllll!

side note: oh, and i have to get a new mouthguard :(. mine is pretty much ruined. when my uncle and aunt took away all of my gear a few months ago---my uncle put it in the dishwasher and it kinda de-formed...........bc/ when you buy it ------you have to put it in boiliing water and then quickly put it in your mouth for it to "mold" to your teeth. It's kinda sad b/c i have yet to be able to find another turquosie color (sp?) mouthguard. So, hopefully Ill get a new color thats cooler. :)......................Goodnight!

Heart 241 to All....... *ThErApYtEeN.

Hoooooooooockeyyyyyyyyyyy. And more of the Same Shit as Always.

So---------tonight to clear my head I am in Richmond to play a hockey game with my ex-team. I am thankful they let me join them tonight. We are the Emporia Eagles in Richmond. :) I mean with all thats beeeeeeeeeeen going on.........................i totally need to clear my head. i volunteered today at a non-profit that my aunt and uncle give money to. They had a backpack drive that i helped collect and stuff backpacks for. :) it was so great to see the little kids excited about school and getting their backpacks. :) :). So-i feel bad and stressed about stopping seeing my therapist. my uncle is pissed at me for doing it, but i did say it might be just TEMPORARY. :/ Ive done so much goooooooooooooooooood work with her and i really like her. She's the BonSpa:) The one and only. I really wanted to talk to her this tuesday and spill all but now--- i don't think i can do that. i seen the way this has affected her. idk i feel realllllllllllllllly guilty and i hate feeling like i cause people burdens. i hate it when that happens. so just to avoid that i am going to stop these sessions for a while. i really wanted to get everything out on tuesday and really spill. detail for detail. im saying i wouldn't be uncomfortable or scared or have a hard time doing it......ugh desicions desicions. urgh urgh urgh. i feel horrid that my psat has casued these problems that have gone into her real life. and i hate feeling like i caused a problem.......well goodnight. :) hopefully we kick some butt and win!!!!!! :) ThErApYtEeN. :) heart 241 to almost all. :)

Responsibility.

my uncle got mad and called and told me i was being illogical for calling my therapist (emailing) nad telling her that i want to stop sessions. my uncle showed me a email from her and it said this-

""please dont apologise for this... there is only one person to blame ....""

and in some resepcts that it true but they reasons this sitution is happening is bc i am working with BonSpa:). THAT IS THE ONLY REASOn. if i wasn't working with her she wouldnt be bothering like this. she wouldn't have her husband miss work to sit in the garage and watch. she wouldnt have to figure out if a client email is lyes or reals. she wouldn't have to be anxios or freaked or whatever. none of it. !!!!!!!!!!!! if i didn't see her she wouldn't be involved in any way. and now i feel even worse bc she didn't go one vacaton and i didn't want her to see it until monday. i didn't expet her to check her email but now shes now not going on vacaton. and i am really sad that i have to do this. my bestie *** asked me if i should stop for a couple weeks to giver her a break, me a break, and get him in bars. but i dont' think so. when he gets outs he'll just bother her and me more. i can't deal with this. its too frickn' stressful. all of it. not fair to her. not fair to me. and not fair to legal people. not fair to uncle. not fair to aunt. not fair to family. not fair to BonSpa:)'s family. not fair to the people in her office. not fair to BonSpa:)'s other clients. not fair to internet providers bc of so much email and talking on the phone. and not fair to time- becuase it runs out. ive talked to her so much and i feel bad. im glad my PU's are back but its like things wer going to great! now there so not. ugh. i cant stand this. i really like her and trsut her like i said........ :( nad it hurts bc ive never wanted to have to do this and hes ruining my life ONCE AGAIN> hsajkahsjdkfhjskeahjkasdfghksdgfhjkasldf~ he always controls me and he always screws me up. i am so tired of doing this pull push thing. urgh! goodday. ThErApYtEeN.

Really Need Help.

So----ive come to a problem. i don't want my therapist to be involved with problems personally with my dad. i don't think its fair to her, and the only reason shes involved is becuase of me. i tried to tell my ucnle that i don't want to see her anymore until this dyes down. its my fault my dads bothering her and he wont stop until i stop seeing her. so until this court this blows over i am going to stop seeing her, my uncle got mad and said no you need to keep seeing her. i am fine. i am "drugged" up enogh that i don't need a therpist. i meen i trust her more than ive ever trusted any therapist, consler, etc. i agree with my uncle that ive made more progress with her than ever, but i don't like how its stressing her out. i just dont know the best way and i asked my uncle to tell her but he wont. he says if i want to stop seeing her i have to tell here. i trust her so much and i feel bad. but my dad wont stop until i stop. its gonna be hard and i don't know the best way. i feel bad becuase she been there through so much. i am also scared bc i got so close to her...i never get close to people well rarely. and i know ive done good with her...but its best for her stress levels and mine. :( im sad and upset and hurt that it came to this but whatev-just when life was well. ThErApYtEeN

Yahoooooooooooooooooooo!

So---------life is still getting better. Better and Better! Yaya. I am loving everything right now! So-------my lawyer sent a letter to my dad and told him who's boss!!! :)

Here's the letter

Dear Mr. *****************************:

I have been retained by ******************* and ******************* ************* to represent them in relation to ************ ************. If you have an attorney retained for this situation please forward this letter to that individual.

It is my understanding that you have attempted to contact Mr. and Mrs. *********** on several occasions regarding ********me************. They no longer wish to be contact by you and ask that you cease and desist from doing so in the future. If you would like to communicate anything to them, please do so through my office.

Further, ***me************ is not interesting in having contact with you at this time. Please stop all communication, threats, and stalking. That is a decision that Mr. and Mrs. ******************* will respect. If that were to change, you will be contacted. However, unless and until it does change, we ask that you too respect her decision.

Sincerly.

**************ATTORNEY"S NAME************

___________________________________________

Im so happy. In addition to this, I am going to court!!!!!! :) I am going to kick his butt!!!! WOOHOOO! Im going to win this thing once and for all......and relax and enjoy........................MY WEEKEND! ThErApYtEeN.

Lifes Getting Better!!!!!

So0--------Life is getting better slowly but surely. :) My "parental units" are back!!!!!!!! My dad's still pulling his crap and it's really frustrating! BUT MY "PU'S" are back! They've been gone since i left for Las Vegas, but they were going to stay in Hawaii until 9.23.10 but they came back on a night flight this morning!!!!!!!!! I missed them so much, and I am really really really really super siked that they are back! I am trying to look at the positive nad I am so glad that I have a great therapist, a great suppert system, a great family, a good lawyer, and am doing well. I am happy I am strong. I am happy I am alive. I am happy I have love. and I am happy that I am believed! :) :). I am so glad everything is working..................I was so upset that I was going to fail and give up. But I DID IT! I made it to them coming back! I showed them how strong I am! YAY! :) So here's to a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) Enjoy your day!!!! :)

*Special Shout out to BonSpa:), AK, UM, Emu, and Guma. Thanks!!!! I love you all!

ThErApYtEeN. Heart 241 to all!!!

Drugged Up.

So, right now I am drugged up on many drugs. (psychiatric medications--not illegal drugs)...and I am really struggling. My therapist gave me quite the scare earlier. Not her fault, but I was pretty freaked. She sent me some texts and I (to be quite honest) wasn't sure if it was her. I am going to call her in the morning to double check. I am really emotional as to whats been going on recently. I am quite a thick regimen of drugs for right now. I have felt like I've totally lost control :(. I mean I am still in control of myself, but I am so "sedated". Well, I am with my cousin at her friends house (she is at a friends house who is having a pool party/drinking party/pool beer pong) and I can't stay by myself since I could have a seizure because of all of this medication. So, I'll be up until at least 2 am tonight. Sweet Dreams to All! ThERaPyTeEn.

**8mg Ativan

25mg Librium

2mg Minipress

15mg Quazepam**

**I am going to have ******* (my cousin) double check this before I hit "publish post" because I am on such heavy meds**

Strugglin'

So, I am really struggling emotionally right now. I just returned to my hometown today, and I was on quite a roller coaster ride this last couple of days, but I've tried to be calm and handle it. I've been really nervous about coming back to DC sense my Dad is you know bothering me. I don't want to come back but I did because of friends, family, and others. My "parental units" are gone until Sept, and I am alone. I mean I am with family, but I don't have them. I apparently have these things called "ticks". I have a "tick" that is where I jerk my head to one side hard. I don't know I do it, but I do, and according to my therapist it's because of anxiety and stress, but itll go away if I don't think about it. The thing is I don't know I do it when I do it. And my Guma has given me a hard time about it. Another thing that happened while I was gone was, I got drunk. Long story short, a drink my grandma thought was alcoholic free wasn't. And my 12 year old cousin and I drank a huge thing of it (they yard and a half smoothies that you can find in all of the hotels) and we both got drunk. One of my biggest fears. I didn't like it. i don't like being around people that drink, let alone me drinking but being drunk was really scarey for me. Well, I am tired and hopefully my sleep meds will kick in so, goodnight. THERAPYTEEN. :)

P>S>Again, sorry for the long break on updates--I was on VACATON!

Partay in Sin Citay!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I am in Las Vegas for 6 more days. I am trying to be happy. I got zero hours of sleep last night and i am really tired. I had to "share a bed" and that is something that freaks me out. I am tired, but still excited to have a fabulous day. WooHoo. My little cousin got me up at 5am. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Haha--are younger "siblings" a pleasure!!! It's now 8:20 am in Vegas...haha. Well, we are leaving so I will update later. A lot of stuff has happened since last wrote. And it is kind of embarrassing that my 12 year old cousin in a better "speller" than me.....unfortunately so.

Ah.

So for the last 6 hours or so...I've been really struggling. I can't decide whether to send my father a letter or not. I am really beating myself up. I am so upset, and I hate being upset. I had a really bad memory right after I got out of my doctor's appointment at 2. I got my stitches removed, and that has nothing to do with having this flashback--no connection. I hate all of this. I just wish I could close my eyes and stay somewhere far away--where I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. I hate being fuzzy, and I hate dealing with people when I am like this. I just cry, and I hate crying. I always have and always will. I want someone to give me advice on my letter to my father, but no one i've forwarded it to has responded. Urgh. Well, i am going to try and go for a run...my hips are feeling better--a little so I am going to try and push it because I really need to clear my head right now. THERAPYTEEN.

Rollercoaster.

So my life over the last 36 hours has been a rollercoaster ride for sure. I've gone from happy and on top of the world to feeling-->guilty, sad, scared, alone, dirty, used, angry, suicidal, numb, and fuzzy. I've got emails from my father and 32 phone calls as of 10:32 pm. It's never ending and I am about to go out the fricken' country on vacation. I was happy and totally excited, but now-everythings flopped out. I HATE GETTING like this. I am so upset, and I am so fricken' fed up. WTF do I keep doing? I am going 3 weeks not at home, but it's like it doesn't matter where I am anymore. I still have the bad flashbacks and memories and nightmares. I could be in outer-space and it wouldn't make a difference. I've lost majority of my hope, and I am tired of the battle to win. I can't win---I have to get all of my strength just to take a deep breath and stop crying. And I think that it hard. Urgh. I am never going to get through any of this. What am I thinking? Nothing is worth it anymore. He's winning-I'm lose. It's always been this way. He always got what he wanted and I never wanted to give it to him so what makes me think I can win now????!!!!!! FML. I am soooooooooooooooo confused and upset. I took my sleep meds and minipress almost an hour ago, and I am still shaking and feeling just as raw as if it I got the email 2 seconds ago. FML. Goodnight. I need advice and I need some help. I am really not in a good place rite now. THERAPYTEEN.

Hugging.

Sooooo----Most of you know that I hate being touched in any way, shape, or form. But, today while sitting with my Grandma, she was going through old papers of my Gapa's. And this one popped up with a cartoon he drew. So, afterwards I hugged my Guma--a huge step for me...I don't even like to hug my family. I just HATE being touched. It's titled..........

"Hugging..."

...Is not only nice, it's needed, It can relieve pain and depression, make the health healthier, the happy happier and the most secure among us even more so. It feels good, overcomes fear, eases tension, provides stretching exercise if you're short and stooping exercise if you're tall. It does not upset the environment, saves heat and requires no special equipment. It makes happy days happier and impossible days possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

R.I.P. Gapa.........

Goodnight for Real. THERAPYTEEN.

Therapy.

So~ I got up and went to therapy today. Pretty much yapped about this weekend~~the Bestie's visit, the car accident, the effectiveness of the minipress but I am having a 3 week hiatus, (2 missed therapy sessions) due to Vacation. Im excited about my vacation, and I am ready to have some fun! My therapist was sooo awesome (as always) and sent me this recipe about these yummy snacks where Im going on vacation---they're called Padrones Chili Peppers. Woohoo---Now i am ubber ubber excited. ~~*~~My stitches are going to be taken out on Friday--hopefully. I hope I am not as sore then......***crosses fingers***. We leave on tuesday! WOOHOO. :D Well, I am still doing well with minimal struggling, and that is another thing to make me happy. I am going to make positive list and I am going to share a few...

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-Kids at Camp for being awesome (even though Im not there :(--I go back on Thursday)

-Bestie's visit was amazing

-Totally siked for vacation

-Excited to hopefully find these Padrones Chili Peppers

-Getting stitches out

-Good grades :)

-Love from my Parental Units (My Heart Parents-Not My Tummy Parents).

-Supportive Friends

-Being alive after a car accident

-Recooperating well after my car accident

-Having a great therapist

-Smiling

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Well---Goodnighte All.

T-Minus 7 days!!!!

GoOdNiGhT~THERAPYTEEN.

An Irish Prayer.

An Irish Prayer

May God give you...

For every storm, a rainbow,

For every tear, a smile,

For every care, a promise
And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends,

A faithful friend to share,

For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer.

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Just poem I found a few moments ago written in one of my Gapa's journals. Miss you Gapa. Goodnight All. TherapyTeen.

Car Accident Update.

So-an update on how all of us are doing. My friend who was visiting is okay, she is still sore, she got 4 stitches, hurt her wrist, has a concussion, and has bruises, and cuts. She flew home yesterday afternoon (as originally planned). My friend who was driving had sterrie strips (sp.) and liquid stitches (glue) on 2 of her cuts, but no stitches. She is sore, has a concussion, but is ok home doing okay. I have 3 stitches in my head, have a couple cuts and bruises, have a concussion, and have a sore hip. Im glad everyone is okay--IDK about the guy that hit us. I saw him sitting on a stretcher in the ER when I went to go get my hip x-rayed. Didn't see him again. If i did, phew........I HATE DRUNK PEOPLE! I have zero tolerance for them. But, bc of this jerk-I couldn't work today, I have a "shaved" spot on my head from where the stitches are. But you can't really tell b/c I have my hair parted so you can't see it. I don't think Im gonna go to therapy because Im too sore and tired--and I need to...I had stuff I wanted to deal with. Im gonna try to go but I won't know for sure until tomorrow morning. The Minipress has worked--somewhat. I noticed that if I had a bad dream or nightmare, I am not waking up terrified because they aren't as bad of nightmares. So--I am grateful for that. Well, have a good evening. I am happy I got all the blood and crap that was caked in my hair out. IT WAS GROSS. I wasn't supposted to wash my hair until Tuesday Night/Wed Morning, but I couldn't take it. It was to nasty, and I had help from my grandma. G'Nite. TherapyTeen.

Damn you Drunk People.

So. Last night I was hit by a drunk driver. (**I HATE DRUNK PEOPLE**) I was with 3 people, and a drunk guy rear-ended us. And of course, he walked away with barely a scratch, but they took him to the ER too. Of course one of friends, tried to make light of the situation and say--at least we lived! Tis' true. We did live. I am just so angry that someone could have the audacity to drive while under the influence of alcohol. I wasn't driving, but I was in the front seat. I spent my whole fricken' Saturday night in the ER because of this ignorant drunk. Ugh. I am so ANGRY that someone could drive drunk and just not care? It's stuff like this that makes me think someone "up above" has it out for me. :( Oh well. I just got a couple stitches and crutches and a concussion. All 3 of us have concussions. :(. I had my feet up on the dashboard and the airbag like hurt my hip--thank god it's not broken or whatever.) I am just glad I am home now. Got home like a hour ago? Or two? IDK--just thankful I am not el ground0! (grounded). My family was logical and understands that is wasn't hour fault, we were going the speed limit and everything so I am happy about that. :D And, I am glad it wasn't my car. I mean I feel bad for ********. I think it might be able to be fixed. Well, I am gonna go to sleep. G'day to those who are just now waking up. TherapyTeen.