The Ah-Ha moment.

So.............driving to a friends house this evening............I had sort of a "ah-ha" moment. I realized why "my voice" is important. Sort of. So, like i mentoned knifepoint. my words were taken. ripped. stolen. lost. i want them back. and the only way to get my life back is to speak it. im so terrified and every time i want to "speak" i "go away". It's not fun. Im like a million miles away. so anyways. i dont know how im going to do it but i just realise why i make such a big deal about saying it. its not for anybody but me. i dont know how im going to do it but i just know its important. its gonna be hard. i know that. im so sick of being scared but i dont know how to break the wall.

do i climb over it --how?

do i smash it--how?

do i take it apart--what tools do i need?

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I don't know how or when. I mean i want sooner rather than later. i don't know if i want to write it and give it, write it and read it, talk to someone, record it, god i have no idea. it like on the tip of my tongue. sorta.

Do i want to talk to BonSpa:), Jax, Aunt and Uncle, who??? I mean--Aunt and Uncle too awkward. Jax--kinda awkward. BonSpa:)--a little awkward. IDK. I trust these 4 people the most in my life.

Heres a quote...........

"SELF-TRUST IS THE FIRST SECRET OF SUCCESS" - (RALPH WALDO EMERSON)

And with this quote......................

I realise i have to make the decision of who to tell first. who do i want to feel the raw emotions with me. be there when i unfoutunately cry. be there when im scared. be there when i open the box of unknown feelings that have been tucked away for 15+ years..........god i have no idea. but its one of the following narrowed down: Uncle, Jax, or BonSpa:). I would feel bad telling Jax about it. Guilty. Uncle would probably freak out and I don't know I guess that leaves BonSpa:). *sorry im just writing and not editing so this is raw* i trust her i trust myself that she'd be the best person to talk to. obvosuly. she the one with the degree and shes the one that was there today. so much. shes the one thats been there day after day. hour after hour. week after week and she hasn't left. ive tried to push her away. didn't work obviously.

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Here's another quote:

You can as easily love without trusting as you can hug without embracing. ~Robert Brault

I like this one obvosuly........... because i trusted BonSpa;) yet again and asked for a hug. Which is new to me. Uncomfortable. and a New territory im starting to explore. oddly. Well, im about to go have some fun with friends. Hahah.......... @ Midnight. LOL. :) Goodnight. And I hope people have had a good day. Today was a better day than yesterday that for sure. :) I know its not gonna be a steady journey from here on out, but I just pray that I can make it without too much turbulance in other peoples lives. And that I make it with my heart full of love and surrounded by the people i love and care about and with their hearts full of love too. :)

Goodnight.....................ThErApYtEeN.

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Heres another poem---i write so fricken many i swear sorry.

Alone and Cold, can't break your hold

around my voice-silent and cold

I want it the pain out

those stains, the dirty mark

left late after dark

you branded me

something no one can ever see.

images stuck behind my eyes

leaving shakes, shivers, and cries.

No one can answer but you

I haven't got a clue

What I could've done to hold this secret

and guess what, Im not the one to keep it.

Sure you stole the one single item--irreplacable

my voice may have been lost, but its back

and ready for your stupid, desperate attacks.