CrossRoads........GULP.

So-Life is in the fast lane literally. :( {Meaning my anxiety has been really bad, so I gave up and am I am going to start taking my Ativan again.} So, I had my session today. Im glad BonSpa:) isn't mad at me. Phew. Thats relief. And Im glad shes supportive of my decision. Ive decided I wont stop. I made a list of Pros and Cons. THERE WERE WAY TOO MANY CONS, SO I OFFICIALLY DECIDED IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO STOP THERAPY. I don't want to effect more people. So, my old EMDR therapist called me today to see if anything had changed since Friday because my Uncle had called her. Urgh. I wonder how many more people he told? For realzzzzzzzzzzz. :) Oh well, I just know he (*MY UNCLE*) cares. So, he had asked me this question for years. (Well, for a really really long time........dont know when he started asking it but its been along time). So, I asked BonSpa:) to answer it, She did. I've never had someone say that to me. I know she just rephrased what has been said in emails, etc. It was scary to know that someone could be so accurate. But I felt myself check out. Those words I can't hear. My body like freaks out when I hear them. And I just checked out. I wish i could have listened more so i could remember what she said. I hate when I do that but i am greatful sometimes. I could never say these words in a billion years. There like this brick wall that keeps me from saying, writing, etc. them. And its frustrating. And it felt good to hear something along the lines of

**I believe you times 10,000 %-BonSpa:)**

Thats the first time anybodys ever said that. :) :) :) and was defiantely one of the best things ive ever heard; ever. in my whole 19 years, 3 months, and 10 days of life!

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I want to speak. I am ready to speak. I am ready to break. I am ready to crack. But like the brick wall puts itself up. URGH and its so frustrating. People (BonSpa:) *cough* *cough* ..........keep telling me dont force yourself. I know I am ready I can feel it. I am ready for once. BUt I just cant get it out. I can't say it and I know thats what I need to get through this. I need my voice. Its important idk why but i can just feel it. Hopefully that makes sense?

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And I am about to hit the 20 lb mark on weight loss. Some people have noticed but others not so much. I don't always wear clothes that you can tell. I normally dress nice. but today i just felt like blah. haha. pirate pants, and a race t-shirt. that is now like 50 sizes too big :). and flipiflops. :) lazy day.

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Guess what? Im done with HW ((((((((((((((((((FOR NOW, BUT THERES DEFINATELY MORE :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) so i am going to go for a

RUN

YAYA! HAHA well, Ill update more later. Toodles and Have a good night.

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Im trying to get back to a happy place. Where i was on friday and thursday of last weeek. So, dont talk to me about bad stuff okay? I don't want or need negetivety right now............so lets me smiley and happy okay?

YYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Goodnight

ThErApYtEeN.

**OH and I have to add this so fitting :) **

Happiness is an unexpected hug. ~Author Unknown.

**Thank the BonSpa:) 's facebook for this one :) **