Rollercoaster.

So my life over the last 36 hours has been a rollercoaster ride for sure. I've gone from happy and on top of the world to feeling-->guilty, sad, scared, alone, dirty, used, angry, suicidal, numb, and fuzzy. I've got emails from my father and 32 phone calls as of 10:32 pm. It's never ending and I am about to go out the fricken' country on vacation. I was happy and totally excited, but now-everythings flopped out. I HATE GETTING like this. I am so upset, and I am so fricken' fed up. WTF do I keep doing? I am going 3 weeks not at home, but it's like it doesn't matter where I am anymore. I still have the bad flashbacks and memories and nightmares. I could be in outer-space and it wouldn't make a difference. I've lost majority of my hope, and I am tired of the battle to win. I can't win---I have to get all of my strength just to take a deep breath and stop crying. And I think that it hard. Urgh. I am never going to get through any of this. What am I thinking? Nothing is worth it anymore. He's winning-I'm lose. It's always been this way. He always got what he wanted and I never wanted to give it to him so what makes me think I can win now????!!!!!! FML. I am soooooooooooooooo confused and upset. I took my sleep meds and minipress almost an hour ago, and I am still shaking and feeling just as raw as if it I got the email 2 seconds ago. FML. Goodnight. I need advice and I need some help. I am really not in a good place rite now. THERAPYTEEN.